(This is an essay I did on my Patreon for this week ones topic: Respect) I've been taking a lot of time to think about respect and I always come back to the question which is kind-of-a-chicken-and-the-egg situation...
Like which came first? Do we respect someone first or do we need someone to give us respect in order to respect them?
I feel like for me, I always show respect until the other has shown disrespect. And then once someone has shown disrespect to me, it's easy to throw in the towel and just let the disrespect flow.
Thinking about my husband, my partner, it hits differently. Because disrespect to someone is kind of whatever in all honesty - most people I don't see on a day to day basis. So if a little disrespect gets thrown out, yeah I'm personally probably thinking about it well into the night, but in all HONESTY it doesn't really matter as significantly as showing respect to my partner whom I'm doing every aspect of life with.
I know for Anthony, he has time and time again told me his top two needs (non-physical needs) in a woman is loyalty and respect. But there have been SO times in our relationship, in our marriage, where I feel as if he is so disrespectful to me, to my time, to what I want and also what I'm trying to cultivate. Most of the time I don't even think he knows he's doing it (probably as he feels towards me doing/saying/feeling things that I don't realize I'm doing that go against his internal voice/needs), but it can feel so disrespectful outwardly... and I want to almost fight fire with fire.
And God's Word tells us as women, and especially as wives that we are meant to submit to our husband. We are meant to let him lead. And boy, if that doesn't rub me the wrong way sometimes.
I remember my cousin's wedding so perfectly. It was a sweltering Virginian day. I mean, we were sweating profusely. And there was my beautiful cousin looking like a princess and her groom in his Marine blues, sweating... drenched. Yet, all I could really think about was how the pastor kept speaking on " how the wife must always submit to the husband... the husband is the head of the household... the husband is the leader..." and at the time myself and the rest of my non-believing family, we were all kind of staring in judgment, shaking our heads, like how is this even real. This isn't the 1930's, women can lead. What is my cousin getting into? This sounds toxic... Women can be in charge. (Shoot, look at a lot of modern marriages 👀 or even relationships... most women try to be in charge and lead... and some feel like they have to, and pick up what they deem as "the slack".)
I don't know about you, but it rubbed me all wrong.
Like there was so much talk about respecting the husband, but never once did I hear about respecting the wife.
This week, I've been thinking a LOT about this. Now, let me preface... Anthony is very respectful most days. But like so many men I hear about - he has things he needs to do and he's forging his own path (which in reality is a path that is dedicated towards his family's well being - but on bad days it's easy to forget that piece). And it makes me think about how God created the wife to be the helper. I don't know about you, but I often feel just that way. That I am helping him to achieve what he needs to achieve. And sometimes, especially with tots in the mix, it feels like there's very little room for me and what I want.
But, that often leaves me feeling disrespected. Even in the smallest, minute details... such as, me putting away all the laundry (I'm talking at least three baskets, because I joke, that's my nemesis and you know I waited a week to actually start hanging it up), and here he comes in after a long day of being a full-time student and full-time flight dispatcher, taking off his jackets and pants and throwing them on the couches... or worse, just stepping out of them and leaving them on the floor.
It drives me bananas. It makes me feel unappreciated and unseen and ultimately disrespected. Doesn't he know I've been with the kids all day, and I'm overstimulated, talked out, touched out, cleaned out?? And I had to really put so my energy into battling my nemesis, the laundry? How dare he...
And then on top of that to think that God has specifically designed me to respect him while I'm being so blatantly disrespected really gets me fired up. How am I supposed to do that? How are you supposed to do that in your own scenario?
But I'll tell you, something I do is I'll be quiet. I don't speak unless I really feel like I should say something or KNOW how to say it gently. Not always, all the time, which is why I know I need Jesus. Funny, I often think, if I'm being quiet, he should actually know that I have something to say... I'm not sure if he notices that, but knowing my man he does. Sometimes if my first thought isn't gentle or is a little too critical, I try my DARNDEST to zip my mouth...
I believe most people believe we need respect in order to give it...
But I'm here to say that after reflecting on it this week, I don't think that's the case. I think we were designed to fully respect our husbands (and others)... And it's our cross to bear at times. We live in a world that wants women to lead, to take charge, shucks I'm that woman, I'm the one who purposed to Anthony... and it's not saying we can't lead in areas. I don't think that God has created us to stifle us in certain positions, but when it comes to our marriage specifically - and when it comes to respect, I do believe that our LORD has created men to need that respect in order to lead well. We as women are created to help. Which includes, helping our men to lead and to lead with God at the forefront.
Respect to me about the fruit of the Spirit, gentleness. Or it's staying quiet, even when we don't want to. Even when we feel disrespected and feel the need to say something that is a little too harsh. We think that being critical of every thing will help our husband learn the lesson they need to learn, but after a while it ends up just being nagging. Which,
"Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife."
(Proverbs 21:29)
LIKE BOYYYYYY, the LORD said it's better for your man to be ALONE in the WILDERNESS than to be with a wife that nags and is hot-tempered. That's triggering lol. Because, I know sometimes I can be a nag, even when I'm trying not to... I just really want him to listen and learn his lessons faster and I'm like I'm a helper, so let me help you, let me pick up the pace for you because I see it more clearly than you, just listen to me... but in some ways, isn't that 1) not letting the Holy Spirit lead? and 2) Not letting my man lead?
I'm not saying that as women need to stay quiet all the time, but knowing when is the right moment to speak and when it is not. And big one, knowing how to come with the gentleness, the nurturing, to help our men and be the helper we were made to be, instead of being the nag that looks hot-tempered and overly critical. That ultimately makes us feel disrespectful, even if that's not our intention at all.
Like with our children, for my mamas reading this... we know we shouldn't reprimand and teach in a moment where a child is having break down (I mean we can't, they are shut down in that moment). It feels similar. When a man is being moved by the Holy Spirit, it's not our time to disrespect them to teach them something. Instead, we must wait our turn and let the Holy Spirit move. This also makes me feel like disrespect is not something that teaches anyone anything.
If we lash out or say something that is a little harsher than necessary, to prove a point, what point are you proving besides being an hypocritical follower of Jesus?
"For it is God's will that you silence the ignorance of foolish people by doing good." (1 Peter 2:15)
And sometimes, holding your tongue is doing good and silencing the ignorance of foolishness.
That respect we gives as wives, which men were designed to need (call it toxic, call it fragility, call it whatever you want - they were designed that way and I don't think it was out of the LORDS misdesign), could be the difference between how they feel about you, about themselves, and about God's will in general.
This also makes me feel like respect truly is "choosing your battles." I'm not a perfect PV31 woman by any stretch of the imagination (which is why I hope were all here reflecting on these points through the year), but I will say I have a strength in holding my tongue and respecting my husband.
I fall short in other areas, most definitely, but I do choose my battles. One thing I hardly do is speak unless I know for sure it's something I want to say. Now, sometimes this can come off as passive and not bold, but I believe in my marriage is comes off as respect.
Do I push back. Absolutely. Does Anthony sometimes get an attitude and I have push a little bit with a tone, I definitely do (maybe that's not the right thing to do). But I know recently, I had just lost some benefits and we were both stressing (financially), and we had this small conversation about what should have happened, each pushing each other to a higher elevated state... afterwards, he came to me and apologized. He told me he should never have gotten snappy with me and that he was really sorry for that. It kind of floored me in all honesty. I apologize too knowing I shouldn't have gotten sassy back, and he admitted that because I hardly do, he knew what he was doing wasn't right or loving...
It reassured me that all the times I have bit my tongue, quieted myself and been gentle instead of abrasive, in the moments where I was a little more assertive, he heard them more fully and even saw his own actions as a reflection instead of mine as blatant disrespect.
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But also, I have to say it, call it my flesh, I do believe in my heart (with lol isn't a true North Star) respecting someone (a husband) when being abused is not what I believe we are talking about here. This really may be my flesh in all honesty, but even as a believer I still just don't jive with a man being abusive (I truly believe men are designed to protect women and thus a healing cycle follows), but it's our spiritual authority to discern what is truly abusive and not from God (how God calls husbands to love their wives as themselves) and what is from God, even if it wounds our sensitive flesh making us want to strike like a snake in a tree...
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Looking at the Word of God, we do see in Ephesians 5:33 "to sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband..."
A man is responsible for going first. Loving his wife as himself, so that he may be respected.
A man who is not loving his wife as himself, therefore seems to be deemed unrespectable.
However, going back to Proverbs 31:23 (which we will get to at the end of the year), we must remember that we are to uplift our husband with the utmost respect in the community (city gates).
"Her husband is known at the city gates, where he sits among the elders of the land."
So even though he may be unrespectable in the home, because he isn't loving his wife as himself, it's still our job as wives, to publicly respect him. We are meant to uplift our men at the city gates (community). Outward disrespect, in-front of others is simply something that God has not called us (wives) to do.
And God forbid we have husbands who are loving us the way they love themselves, and we are blatantly disrespectful in our homes or out in the community because we just can't control ourselves and our tongues... How emasculating is that?
So in some way, it's still a did the egg come first or the chicken come first kind of situation, LOL, but I hope these reflections encourage you as a wife who may feel disrespected in mundane moments or even fiery ones, that you would be able to quiet your spirit and be more gentle with your husband. ( I don't believe that respect comes first outwardly. I believe as a PV31 woman, we are called to show respect first even in moments that feel like our cross to bear, and our husband will naturally (or supernaturally 😉 Thank you LORD) get in line.
I'll leave you with this, but I'd LOVE to hear your own reflections, thoughts, questions, comments either here or on IG...
"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live...
...Don't let your beauty consist of outward things... but rather what is inside the heart --- the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
1 Peter 3:1-4
God has let us know that we as Proverbs 31 women are more valuable that jewels and treasure... We don't even NEED TO SPEAK OR SAY ANYTHING AT ALL to win over our husbands and their hearts, minds, emotions, etc. Only our good works and the way we live speaks to them.
God is so good. Thank you Heavenly Father for creating us women and making us so powerful that we could win our husbands over without words. While we were the rebels that ate the fruit and destroyed our connection with you God, we see that you are still so faithful to us by the way you've designed us and how you've given us such a great abilities such as resilience, love, nurturing care, and a strength that bears children. May you speak to the husbands, your sons, that are not loving their wives as their own and speak to the wives, your daughters, that are not respecting their men they way you have called us to respect. Thank you for continuing our understanding of what respect as a Proverbs 31 woman looks like, so that we may carry out your good will Father. We love you and we thank you for the blessings you have showered us with. It's in Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
